Amputation Diet

Amputation Diet
People often write to me and ask: "What is the fastest way I can lose weight?" Being a wise-ass I always reply with the same answer "Amputate your arm". That usually ends a conversation that I didn't feel like participating in.

After five years of replying in this manner I started to wonder how much weight you would ACTUALLY lose if you did amputate your arm. Here is a little bit of information for you: presents the Amputation Diet Plan (copyright 2011 Calm Tom)

Estimated Immediate Weight Loss
Clip finger and toenails 1 ounce maximum
Haircut 2-6 ounces
Drastic Haircut / Headshave 4-12 ounces
Trim Body Hair 1 oz. (ladies) 3 oz. (men) 24 lbs (Greek men)
Remove a wart 1 oz.
Take a diuretic 1-3 pounds (temporary)
Take a laxative 1-2 pounds (temporary)
Colon Therapy / Take an Enema 2-3 pounds (temporary)
Poop 0-2 pounds (temporary)
Run a marathon on a hot day 3 lbs (women), 5 lbs (men) (temporary)
Amputate your arm 10-25 lbs (way too permanent)
Amputate your leg 15-45 lbs (again, not advised)
Vascetomy none.
Take a big pee. up to 1.5 pounds
Take a big dump up to 2.5 pounds
Go barefoot 1-2 pounds
Go Naked 1-8 pounds (summer vs. winter)
Contact lenses vs. Glasses 0.3 pounds
No liquids all day 1-2 pounds
No food all day 2-3 pounds
No salt all day 0-1 pound
Don't wear underwear 1 oz. (thong)-2 lbs. (granny panties)
Exfoliating face wash nothin.
Liposuction 10 lbs maximum per surgery
Donate a kidney 3 pounds.
Breast Reduction Surgery 5-15 pounds typically.

I suppose that I should probably take a little bit of space to warn you that amputating a limb is not really a wise way to lose weight. In fact, almost all of the above suggestions are very poor.

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